Advice to King Dave of the Isle of Man

To HM King David in the Isle of Mann (or husband), cousin to Queen Elizabeth II, come forth, ye that your not-so-Humble Servant render such Wisdom as I can ...

For about ten minutes today, told David Howe, a 38-year-old businessman from Maryland front of FoxNews.Com with the story of his coronation. In 2006 some Brit genealogist called to tell him that he might have a claim to the throne of the Isle of Mann (or husband). So he filled out the correct forms and sent them to Her Majesty's Stationary Office, which after a 90 days review period approved his Royal application. It seems they sent him a crown, a royal gown and a spoon. Some Kings have swords, others get scepter, but David will have a place.

My favorite part of the story is the reaction from people in the Isle of Man, which I believe can best be summarized as: "Who?" Elected Government of the Isle of Man is probably still laughing themselves senseless. They are so disrespectful of their new king, the government's official web site has no mention of his coronation. Well, King David, it looks like you need to stage an invasion to enforce your royal rights. I would recommend you look into some of the old laws on how to execute traitors. How to get medieval on their butts.

The best part about this story is that HM (that's His Majesty, to you) King David has a wonderful website. On its website under a huge picture of him, he details his efforts to provide aide for the poor AIDS affected children Paste African Nation here. Even the Americans know that you can not be a royal, if you have some charity to support. Especially useful are those charities that show you pictures of starving children. These work best of all. Good choice there, Your Majesty. You hit the nail right on the head.

But if you do a little digging into the Royal website you can find his royal pedigree. You know, like they do with dogs. Not only has he in particular his family tree to prove his royal title, but he also shows that he is a cousin of the royal family in Britain. Wow, he's cousins with the Queen! Let's get something straight, I'm no genealogist, but it seems to me when you cast such a huge net (like Cousin's Net), you are probably also linked with Cher, Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney. I recommend that you lose the whole thing Cousins. Let us agree that you are only allowed to be a royal Cousin, if they invite you over for tea.

Also, if you take the time to look at his pedigree you may notice that he has achieved his gentle rank through marriage. Now, it is quite legitimate. But it means he Royal by insertion? If yes, then good job King David? I've always heard you had to pull your sword out of stone. It just shows that you can not rely on legend. But it may harm your macho image, so I would dump the website also.

Now, the question of Royal Revenue. Until you conquer your island, you can not collect taxes. But I have solved it for you! Just sell Knighthoods! There are tons of obnoxious idiots who would pay dearly for a title. I will add a Web store and sell them that way. Between the money you can do from the titles and cash that will come from your charity, you should have a pretty nice war chest.

To invade, you need an army. And let's face it, no regular mercenary army will do. You must show your subjects that you believe it and will not tolerate anything but total loyalty. For that mission, I can only recommend Blackwater. It may take some money to the African children, but you can always pay them back later.

Anyway, I hope you see charity on your servant, for his wise words and that your Majesty will remember to send me money when you use one of these ideas.